


Murders Are Really Good at Setting People Up

by Thelifeofafandom



Category: Psych
Genre: Case Fic, Fluff, M/M, first time being gay, for Shawn, there is no smut I am sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-20
Updated: 2014-06-20
Packaged: 2018-02-05 10:50:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1815904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thelifeofafandom/pseuds/Thelifeofafandom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gus and Juliet decide they need a case to work alone. Juliet because she's awesome, and Gus because he will do anything to get into a girl's pants. Shawn and Lassiter decide that they want to work the case too, and shenanigans ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Handcuffs and Edward Scissor Hands

**Author's Note:**

> I am so sorry. I wrote most of this at different two in the mornings. I just think there should be more Shassie in this world, mostly because it's my OTP.

"Detective Lassiter!" Juliet ran over to the grumpy head detective's desk. "There's a new case, and I want to head it."  
"No."  
"Yes! C'mon, please! You still owe me one!"  
"Oh yeah? From what?"  
"Last week I did all your paperwork so that you could go on dates with that barista. You seriously need to find a girlfriend."  
Lassiter grimaced and clenched his fist. "Damn it. Fine. What's the case?"  
"One condition: you can't help me. You can't even look at the file. The only information you get is from me. If you can't agree to that, I won't even tell you what it's about."  
Lassiter bit his bottom lip. "Fine."  
"Two different people have been stabbed. With scissors."  
"How do they know it was scissors?"  
"There was hair in the stab wounds. Also there were two holes like they were open scissors."  
"Hair?" Lassiter curled his lip.  
"Yup. And the scissors were stolen from the local barber's."  
"Harrison? The ex-policeman?"  
"Yeah." Lassiter and Juliet nodded in unison.  
"Anything connecting the two vics?"  
"Yeah, they were two private detectives."  
Lassiter sat up a little straighter. "Is, I dunno..." He frowned. "Shawn in danger?"  
"Maybe, why do you ask?" She raised an eyebrow.  
"Maybe we could use him as bait or something." Lassiter shrugged and repressed the strange niggling feeling of worry that he was not used to having about people.  
"Aw, are you worried about Shawn?" Juliet punched him.  
Damn her for being so perceptive. "No. I was serious about the bait thing. I was kind of hoping that I could stab him first, though."  
"Anyway, no helping me, I'm locking up the file, and I've told everyone to not give you any information. And I'm not letting Shawn help me either because he would probably just tell you at your lunches."  
"We were not having lunch when we were investigating the Monarch Lodge."  
"Right. Admit it; you've grown accustomed to him. I could go as far as saying you might even be his friend."  
Lassiter snorted and went back to his work.  
Meanwhile, at Psych headquarters, Gus was having a similar conversation with Shawn.  
"Shawn, next case we get, I'm doing it."  
"What?"  
"I'm part of this business, and you almost always get the credit. One case, Shawn."  
"This is very unlike you Gus, how many fingers am I holding up?" He raised two fingers and Gus slapped them away with a scowl.  
"Ok, it's just that..." Gus groaned. "My new girlfriend, Jamie, is obsessed with detective stories, and I thought it would impress her. So you can't help me or anything. I'll hide the files, all the information."  
"Fine."  
"I'll hide it at my parents' house."  
Shawn punched his knee. "Damn."  
"Promise?" Gus stuck out his pinkie.  
"Are we three years old?"  
"Promise?" Gus shook his pinkie. Shawn sighed and did the sacred pinkie promise ritual.  
"Alright, alright! Now, let's head down to HQ to get you a case." Shawn slapped his knees and jumped off the wheelie chair.  
"Alright, but you get shotgun." Gus tore out of the office and into the Blueberry.  
They arrived at the SBPD headquarters quickly enough. They would've been faster, but Shawn insisted on stopping for pineapple smoothies. Twice.  
"Shawn! What're you doing here?" Lassiter and Julia were heading down the steps  
"We were wondering if you had any cases. Gus, actually."  
"What, is it sidekick week?"  
"I am not a sidekick!" Juliet and Gus shouted at the same time.  
"You too?" Gus asked.  
"Yeah. I've actually got a case. Shawn can't help me, but if you're working by yourself, we can partner up. As long as you don't tell the boys."  
"We're right here you know." Shawn gestured.  
"Hey, why don't we leave psychic and grumpy pants and go look over this case."  
"Fine, we'll just have our own party." Shawn put his arm around Lassiter who quickly pushed his arm off.  
"Ok. Bye!" Gus and Julia walked back into the police department.  
"We need to get those files." Lassiter grabbed Shawn's shoulders. "I will not have O'hara solve a case faster than me."  
"And I just want to beat Gus. Wanna go get coffee? I would say smoothies, but I already had two and smoothies are way too happy for you." Lassiter blinked quickly. Was Shawn asking him out? That would be really weird. A little voice inside of him said that it totally wouldn't be weird, but all his instincts said it would be.  
"It would be like a date." Shawn waggled his eyebrows and sidled up to him.  
"Do that again and I will shoot you in the crotch." Lassiter's hand went threateningly to his holster.  
"Alright, alright, party pooper. Let's go get coffee."  
Lassiter felt oddly out of place in the tiny Blueberry.  
"You know, you should loosen up a little, c'mon." Shawn elbowed Lassiter. "My psychic senses are telling me you're thinking 'this car is so small, but being in such close proximity with Shawn is hot.'"  
"Spencer I have a gun."  
"Anyway, anyway, don't shoot me. Just tell me what the murders were about so I can get a psychic reading about it." The rest of the car ride Lassiter explained the case.  
"Wait, so, Edward scissor hands?"  
"What?"  
"The movie, Lassie. Were you raised in a cave?" The two exited the Blueberry and sat down at Shawn's favorite coffee shop.  
"What'll you be having?" A pretty waitress walked over.  
"I'll have a mocha, and he'll have a coffee, three creams four sugars."  
"Alrighty! Will that be all?"  
"Yup. Now, tell me more about this case." Shawn stretched himself out.  
"What if I didn't want my usual order?"  
"You did, now tell me about the case."  
Lassiter frowned and was about to start speaking, but Shawn's phone began ringing. "Sorry, one sec. Yello?"  
"Shawn! I got the files, and I'd like you to know that we're making headway." Shawn heard Juliet go "yeah!" in the background. "We're going to check out the crime scene now. Just know that I hid the files at my parents' house."  
"Stop rubbing it in, Burton Big-head."  
"Bye, Shawn."  
"Lassie. You, me, my office, now."  
Lassiter nearly spit out his coffee. Did everything Shawn say have to be innuendo? Or maybe that was just him.  
"What?"  
"Gus said he just hid the files at his parents' house, but I know that he hid it in the Psych office."  
"What, how?"  
Shawn put his finger up to his temple. "A little bit of my third eye." In reality he had heard some waves breaking. Gus' parents lived very far inland, and the Psych office was an oceanfront.  
Shawn broke the speed limit the entire drive back to the office, and Lassiter pretended not to realize for the sake of competition.  
"So, Gus'll be back soon. If there's blood, he's probably thrown up and contaminated the crime scene. Considering the P.I was stabbed by scissors, there'll be blood. Juliet hates puke ever since you threw up on her in that boat, so they'll be back soon. We'll have to be gone before that, so we have about ten minutes." He crashed through the door. "Seven, maybe."  
"Well, let's get searching already!" The two began ransacking the place.  
"What the hell? I've searched every single nook and cranny in this office." Lassiter punched the wall.  
"And I can't find anything either." Suddenly, Shawn's eyes opened wide. He had heard the crackle of gravel, and checked the window. "Shit! Gus is here!"  
"Is there a back entrance?" Lassiter frantically began searching the walls.  
"It doesn't matter, even if we did, Gus has seen the Blueberry, and he knows you're with me." Shawn grabbed Lassiter by the shoulders and stared him in the eyes.  
"Take off your shirt," he murmured.  
"What the hell, Spencer? Now is not the time for a confession of love or sexual attraction or whatever." At least, that's what he thought. His mouth didn't work well enough to actually say it.  
"He's about to get in!" Shawn grabbed Lassiter's shirt and ripped it open. "I apologize in advance." He grabbed Lassiter's handcuffs and cuffed him to the table leg.  
"Oh, are you making it look like I was attacked and the place ransacked? Good idea, Spencer."  
Shawn grimaced. "Not exactly." The door opened, and in a millisecond Shawn straddled the detective and kissed him. Not a half-assed kiss either, but a full on make out, tongue and all.  
"Shawn!" Gus shouted angrily. "I know you're in here! With Lass -- oh my god." Gus stopped at the door with a horrified expression on his faces.  
"Gus!" Shawn laughed nervously, but didn't get off of Lassiter. "Care to join us?"  
"Shawn, what the hell?" Gus shielded his eyes. "Do you mind, I dunno, getting decent?"  
"Umm..." At this point Shawn was really distressed because of Lassiter's very real and obvious arousal. "Well, um, Gus. I can't exactly, you know, stand up." He raised his eyebrows and smiled awkwardly.  
"Stand. The. Hell. Up." Gus glared at them while trying to not look at them.  
Shawn leaned down to whisper in Lassiter's ears. "Umm, where're your keys?"  
Lassiter swallowed uncomfortably. "At the station."  
"Gus, can you pick a lock?"  
"Why -- oh, Jesus." Gus noticed the handcuffs. "Please tell me that this is some sick joke."  
"Well, we were actually looking for the file, but then we got... Distracted." Shawn gestured to Lassiter who had been shimmying around to get out of the cuffs, and began making it so that Shawn couldn't stand up either without something to cover himself.  
"Shawn, we are having a conversation about this later, right now--"  
"Gus, what's taking so long?" Juliet began entering through the door. Shawn shook his head quickly.  
"Nothing! Just ratting out Shawn and Lassiter for looking for the files even though they pinkie promised not to."  
"What?" Lassiter whispered. "Pinkie promised?"  
"Shut up, Lassie we have more important things to handle, I think I can stand up now." He cautiously stood up, pressing a palm to his crotch and wincing.  
"Sorry for not telling you, Gus." Shawn spread out his arms and hugged the immobile pharmacist.  
"How long, Shawn?"  
"Just a bit longer than a week."  
"Spen--Shawn!" Lassiter shouted from the floor. "More pressing issues at hand?" He jiggled the cuffs.  
"I should have a saw in the lockers." Gus and Lassiter looked at him as if he was crazy.  
"Thanks, but no. These are my favorite handcuffs."  
"Well, I can't cut the table leg."  
Five minutes later, a pissed off Gus walked out of the office.  
"The hell took you so long?" Jules furrowed her brow as she looked at Shawn walking out, slightly uncomfortable. Then Lassiter walked out, his hands handcuffed in front of him, holding his shirt that was torn, and wearing a button-up that was most certainly not his. "Are you wearing... Shawn's shirt?"  
Lassiter pursed his lips. "Yes."  
"How did your shirt rip? Why? What?"  
"Okay, so, Lassie here was drinking coffee when Gus came in and started yelling. Lassie spilt it on himself. Gus started yelling at us, and I gave Lassie one of the shirts I keep in my locker just in case. Then, Gus got really pissed, stole his handcuffs, and handcuffed him to the table. However, the keys are at the SBPD. So we pulled the table leg over the handcuffs."  
"Yeah, haha!" Gus laughed. "Exactly what happened."  
"Well, I'll be going to the SBPD to get the keys with O'hara. Spencer. Gus." Lassiter nodded and the two left, leaving Shawn and Gus to have a few minutes of awkward silence before Shawn burst out.  
"Gus, you cannot tell anyone."  
"What was that?" Gus whirled around. "You know I don't swear, but, seriously. What. The. Hell. In the office?"  
"If it makes you feel any better, I was going to sanitize the floor."  
"No, Shawn. It does not! How many times?"  
"How many times what?" Shawn tilted his head.  
"How many times have you..." Gus clapped his hands together. "In the office?"  
"Oh, all the time." Shawn suppressed a grin at Gus's horror. "Yeah, we go in there and clap all the--"  
"Shawn!"  
"Ok, ok, fine. This was the first time. I swear on... pineapples. And Magnum P.I. And we didn't even get to do anything." It seemed that Gus was going to scold some more, but just then Shawn's phone rang out.  
"Yello?"  
"Spencer!"  
"Lassie!" Shawn beamed at the cell phone.  
"We're going to have to talk about this. Now!"  
"Okay, I'll be at your house right away."  
"What?" Lassiter shouted. He had just gotten the handcuffs off, and because he refused to explain why he showed up in the SBPD in someone else's shirt and in handcuffs, rumors had begun to spread already. Obviously, he was pissed off.  
"Well, it can't be the coffee shop, we were just there, and Gus will never let you into the office, oh, probably ever, and I haven't had time to clean up my apartment." Shawn winked at the already uncomfortable Gus.  
"Fine, I'll be right there, you dick."  
"Love you too!" Shawn made a kissing noise and ended the call.  
"Who was that?" McNab stopped as he was walking by Lassiter. "Did they say 'love you too'?"  
"Mind your own business, McNab," Lassiter growled.  
"Was it... A man?" McNab persisted, although he feared for his life.  
"Listen here." Lassiter grabbed McNab's shoulder and slowly dug in his fingers. "If I wasn't in a police department I would shoot you. Now, mind your own business!"  
"Yessir!" McNab scampered off, and Lassiter could already feel the rumor spreading.  
"I really need to make my cell phone quieter," he muttered.  
When he arrived at his house, he was met with a surprise. "Spencer? How did you get in?"  
The pseudo-psychic lounged on the couch and put his finger to his temple lazily. "My psychic senses are telling me you didn't realize I stole your key and made a copy of -- oof!" Shawn held his jaw tenderly.  
"That was for handcuffing me to a table and making Gus think we're in a --" Lassiter shivered "relationship."  
"Don't worry, Lassie. Gus is great at keeping secrets!"  
"Gus literally tells me all your secrets. Other than how you're not a psychic, but we all know that. The only person worse than Gus is O'hara. Who, by the way, told me that you once broke into her house only wearing heart boxers."  
"It was for a case. Don't be jealous, you'll get to see them too." Shawn waggled his eyebrows and Lassiter was torn between shooting him and stradling him.  
"You have 5 seconds to explain why I shouldn't kick you out of my house."  
"If I hadn't quick thought both Gus and Juliet would've been super pissed off and probably done something terrible to us, and also you wouldn't have gotten such a good view of the Spencenator. I am never calling myself that again."  
Lassiter glared at him, but pushed his feet off the couch and sat down.  
"Also I need to stay the night because I implied to Gus that I would be well, uh, sleeping over." Lassiter glared some more. "So he's using it for a party or something, and I can't stay with my dad again because he'll a) start complaining and b) somehow spill the beans to Gus. We can tell them about it after this whole case fiasco."  
Lassiter put his face in his hands and said something in a muffled voice.  
"What was that now?"  
"Fine!" Lassiter shouted. "But no weird boners."  
"Oh, you're blaming me?" Shawn raised his eyebrows. "Me? I'm not the person that went to boner city the moment I was handcuffed to a table and straddled. I had the decency to wait a few minutes."  
"It was a biological reaction. Something was rubbing down there and I had no -- why am I explaining myself to you?"  
"Because we're fake dating and you fake love me."  
"'Fake' is the keyword. Now, good night, Spencer." Shawn stood up and made a move to follow Lassiter. "You. Couch."  
Shawn grumbled and sat down on the couch. "You don't mind driving me to the SBPD tomorrow morning, right? I don't have the Blueberry."  
"Why don't we just get engaged while we're at it? You know what? Don't answer that."  
"Goodnight, Lassie!"  
"Stay on your couch, Spencer." Lassiter growled and slammed the door to his room.


	2. Pinecakes Are Better Than People

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shawn tries to be helpful in the morning, and Gus and Juliet let Shawn and Lassiter into their case.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A continuation of the previous chapter of "Murders Are Really Good at Setting People Up."

The next morning, Lassiter was awoken, not to his alarm clock, but by a weird combination smell of pancakes and pineapples, and the sounds of someone moving in the kitchen. He didn't remember what had happened the day before until he ran out of his room, only in his boxers, and pointed a gun at Shawn.  
"This is how you repay me? I make pineapple pancakes as a 'thanks for letting me crash at your place' and a 'sorry for handcuffing you to a table and making out with you,' and you point a gun at me. How rude. Although you should be thanking me for the second part."  
Lassiter groaned and put down his gun. "I'm gonna go put on some clothes."  
"No, don't!" Shawn said half-sarcastically.  
"Please use your psychic powers to not set my kitchen on fire!"  
"The spirits don't deal with such small details as that. They are, however, telling me that you're a boxer man. I'm personally divided between boxers and briefs, so I normally don't wear anything."  
"I really didn't need to hear that, Spencer."  
"What? We're fake dating we should get to know each other."  
"Do we really need to?"  
"Yeah, we barely know each other!"  
"You were born February, 1977. Your favorite color is green because it reminds you of pineapples and the ocean. You tell everyone that your dad is your hero, but you tell him that your hero is Sylvester Stallone. Sammy Wilson is your favorite football player. You have a weird obsession with 80's movies, and--" Lassiter blinked quickly. He had no idea how he knew so much about Spencer. Apparently, neither did Spencer, because he stood there in bewilderment in a "kiss the chef" apron, and -- Lassiter looked at the couch. "Oh god, are you wearing nothing under that apron?"  
Shawn shrugged. "It was hot. I wanted to try cooking naked. I found this apron shoved into the back of your cabinet. I took my chance."  
"Oh god. I'm gonna go change. You better do it too, or I swear I will tear you limb from limb." When Lassiter exited the bathroom, he shielded his eyes, but Shawn was already dressed.  
"Pancakes!" Shawn slammed a stack of them in front of Lassiter.  
"Do these have... Bits of pineapple in them?"  
"Yes. They're delicious." Shawn sat down and began shoveling the pancakes into his face.  
"I am not going to eat this. You probably poisoned it." Lassiter pushed the plate away from him.  
"C'mon!" Shawn scooped up a fork of pinecake (as he now began to call it) and began trying to shove it into Lassiter's mouth. "Try it for me! I am your fake boyfriend." Lassiter un-pursed his lips to call Shawn a name, probably "dick wad" or "bitch face," and that gave Shawn the opportunity to make him eat it.  
Lassiter made to spit it out, but then gave out a little moan. "This is actually... Not terrible!" Shawn nodded knowingly and Lassiter inhaled two plates of pinecakes.  
"Alrighty time to go!" Shawn jumped up and clapped his hands together.  
"Are there anymore pinecakes?" Lassiter blabbered through a full mouth.  
"We ate all of them; I'll make some more in the future."  
"What makes you think you'll be at my house in the future?"  
"I break into your house all the time I'll make some more for you like a little elf."  
"I'm going to pretend like I didn't hear that." Lassiter stood up and looked at his watch. "Shit! I think we're going to be late!" Lassiter dashed down the stairs, Shawn barely able to keep up.  
"Calm down, I've been late to work all the time." Lassiter glared at him as he lazily spread himself out in the passenger seat.  
"Well, I'm not you." Lassiter slammed on the gas, and Shawn noticed that the detective was awfully lax with speed limits.  
Meanwhile, Gus and Juliet were already at the SBPD. "Gus, Gus, Gus!" Gus rapped on her desk.  
"What?" He stood by her desk.  
"I want you to explain what happened last night!"  
"Hm?" Gus raised his eyebrows.  
"There's no way you managed to handcuff Lassiter and tear his shirt while punching him or whatever your half-ass excuse was."  
Gus bit his bottom lip. "No, that actually happened what are you talking about? Are you saying that I couldn't have done that?"  
"Gus..."  
"Okay! Fine, but, you can't tell anyone that I told you. Especially Shawn or Lassiter."  
"Fine, just tell me!" Juliet leaned forward.  
"Ok." Gus looked around bent down. "So, I came into the office, right? And Lassiter was handcuffed to the table."  
"So?"  
"He was handcuffed to the table leg, while he was lying down. On the floor." Juliet furrowed her brow. "And Shawn was..." Gus pursed his lips. "Shawn was straddling him and making out with him. He had literally ripped open Lassiter's shirt."  
Juliet's face widened into a face of amusement and shock. "I mean, I knew that Carl had a crush on Shawn. He never specifically told me, but he actually kept that note that he wrote. You know, about the tire tracks where he went 'xoxoxo'? And he would always go 'I hate Shawn! Why does he have to crash all our investigations?' But you know what? He's not in his crap list. Even you're in his crap list!"  
"I'm surprised that Shawn reciprocated. We all know that Shawn isn't straight, no matter how hard he tries to hide it--"  
"Hey, guys!" McNab slid in between them. "I'm pretty sure Lassiter is in a relationship again. But with a dude."  
Gus and Juliet looked at each other with wide eyes. "What makes you say that? How do you know?"  
"I was walking by Lassiter, and we all know that his phone is always on too loud, and I heard 'love you, too' then a kissing noise. And it was a dude."  
"Maybe it was a girl with a deep voice?" Juliet frowned and waved her arms wildly.  
"You know something, don't you?" McNab smiled.  
"What? No!" Gus copied Juliet's gesture. McNab winked at the two.  
"Right! So, Lassiter, 'I've-always-wanted-a-pony-and-am-terrified-of-snow-globes,' is straight?"  
"Yeah..." Gus and Juliet nodded. McNab just laughed and pointed to the doors of the police department.  
"After you, my dear fellow." Shawn held open the door for Lassiter and bounced after him as he walked, peeved, toward his desk.  
"Hey, Lassiter!" Juliet waved. "Did you drive Shawn here?"  
"No, we just happened to arrive at the same time," Lassiter retorted.  
"Do you..." Gus sniffed. "Why do you smell like pineapples?"  
"I ate pineapples this morning."  
"With pancakes?" Lassiter looked flabbergasted at Gus's deduction.  
"No. Just a pineapple ring. I would've been late if I made pancakes. I don't even like pancakes."  
Shawn coughed. "Liar."  
"What was that?" Lassiter spun around and pursed his lips.  
"I have a case of throat-itis. It makes me cough." Shawn nodded seriously. "Ok, fine, I said liar because everyone loves pinecakes."  
"Pinecakes?" Gus asked.  
"I said pancakes."  
"No, you said pinecakes. Oh!" Gus's eyes widened. "Of course you said pancakes, haha!"  
"What are pinecakes," Juliet whispered.  
"Pinecakes," Shawn stage-whispered back, "are a delicious pancake that I invented that has bits of pineapples in it. You're bad at whispering."  
"Those sound disgusting!" Juliet curled her lip.  
"No, they're actually delicious," Lassiter said absentmindedly as he searched for something on his desk. "Has anyone seen my Crap List?"  
"I got it." Juliet held it up. "I noticed that Shawn isn't in it. Also, when were you able to eat one?"  
Shawn cut in before the detective could speak, "I force-fed him one this morning. I was bringing it for Gus, but I saw Lassie in the parking lot and decided it would work better on him."  
Juliet looked at Gus. "I'm gonna tell 'em."  
"Don't you dare!"  
"Shawn." Juliet put her hand on his shoulder. "Carlton." She put her free hand on the detective's shoulder. "It's okay if you're gay."  
Lassiter spit out his coffee. "I'm actually not gay. Nor is Lassie." Shawn nodded sagely. "We're bi, there's a difference, Juliet, he was married to a woman for god's sake. To say nothing about my sex life."  
"You're joking." Lassiter stared at him.  
"We can't hide it anymore." Shawn was barely able to repress a grin. "Lassie and I are secretly lovers."  
"Christ!" Lassiter shouted. "Gus, Shawn was lying. The whole handcuff, table incident was a ruse to make it so that you wouldn't suspect that we were trying to take the Edward Scissor hands murder file. Juliet, the reason that Shawn's not on my Crap List is because he's on my Shit List, which is for people I can barely stand to be in the same room with." He withdrew and held up a red journal from his desk. "Yes, Shawn stayed over last night and made pinecakes, but only because I couldn't shoot him, and he wouldn't leave." Lassiter raised his eyebrows. "And the handcuffing thing was Shawn's idea. Not mine. So you two better lay off or I'll shoot you." He spun around to look at his computer.  
"Lassie, you dick!" Shawn shouted (not too loud) and turned toward Gus and Juliet. "Please don't kill me."  
"Wait, he's not joking?" Juliet pointed to the disgruntled (and trying to ignore them) Lassiter.  
"Of course he's not!" Shawn furrowed his brow. "Did you guys seriously think we were in a relationship?"  
Gus and Juliet glanced at each other quickly. "Naw, no, no way."  
"Anyway, I'm not mad at you because we knew you would look for the case files." Gus pulled a folder out of his bag. "And you wouldn't be able to find it."  
"Damn it." Shawn punched his knee. "You wouldn't, I dunno, give us some information about it?"  
Juliet and Gus looked at each other again. "Nope."  
"C'mon! Please!" He whined.  
"Fine. But no addresses, no names, no nothing."  
"I'm listening." Lassiter spun around.  
"Well, two P.I.s have been stabbed in the neck with scissors robbed from George Harrison's barbershop about a month ago."  
"Which P.I.s?" Lassiter asked, taking out a pen and notepad.  
"Lawrence Percy two days ago and Jenny Robertson yesterday."  
"You know," Gus cut in, "we're not killing you and we're telling you because we already know the killer."  
"You do?" Lassiter and Shawn exclaimed.  
"Yup! Deborah Wilson. We have some evidence: her hair was actually found in the wounds, probably from the scissors, and she was dating Lawrence and was Jenny's assistant. Lawrence was cheating on her and Jenny was about to give bad references for her next, higher paying job."  
"Well that sounds like solid evidence!" Lassiter nodded. "Go arrest her!"  
"After Gus and Juliet left, jubilant, Lassiter and Shawn sat in silence for a few minutes. "So..." Shawn began. "I'm not in your Crap List?"  
"Of course not," Lassiter grunted. "You're in my Shit List."  
"That's not your Shit List, that's your shopping list."  
Lassiter choked on his last sip of coffee. "How do you know that?"  
Shawn put a finger to his head. "A little a' this." Shawn had actually seen it the last time he broke into Lassiter's house, but that was beside the point.  
"I felt like you... Solving...a bunch of cases made up for your bullshit and insolence and overall stupidity. Also, supply me with pinecakes and you'll never get on it."  
Shawn was about to retort that even his dad and Gus were on the Crap list, but suddenly his phone rang.  
"Shawn!" Gus sounded worried. "It wasn't Debrah!"  
"What?"  
"She's been murdered!"


	3. Bait and Hook

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shawn ends up getting used as bait, but Lassiter helps him stake it out. In the Psych office. With movies. And pinecakes.

"What?" Lassiter shouted angrily. "I thought it was most certainly Debrah?"  
Juliet put her face in her hands. "We did too. I mean, her hair was in there!"  
"Wait." Shawn paced around Lassiter's desk, where they had decided to convene. "Who's her barber?"  
"Is this really important right now Spencer?" Lassiter looked over his shoulder.  
"Who else would have access to her hair?"  
"Someone could've broken in and taken some samples from the brush."  
"Uhh... No." Gus shook his head rapidly. "Her house wasn't broken into. George Harrison was her barber, so it makes sense that her DNA would be in the scissors."  
"Back to square one." Juliet leant back.  
Shawn scrunched up his face, and waggled his eyebrows as he thought. As a thought dawned on him, his eyes opened wide, and a devilish grin appeared. "Not necessarily."  
"What?" The other three shouted.  
He made to put his finger up to his temple but Gus grabbed his arm.  
"Alright, alright! Well, are there any other major P.I.s in Santa Barbra?"  
"Well, there's Jenny, Lawrence..." A horrified look came over Lassiter's face. "No!" He jumped up, and almost immediately composed himself and sat down. "I mean, don't be stupid."  
Gus and Juliet looked from Lassiter to Shawn. "What?"  
"I'm a P.I. In fact, the last major P.I in Santa Barbra. There are a few smaller ones, but I'm the biggest one left. The killer has been striking every day, and all in the offices of the victims. I'll stay at the Psych office tomorrow, and wait for the murderer to come get me."  
"No. Nuh-uh. No way." Gus shook his head. "Shawn, don't be stupid."  
"C'mon, I've fought if murderers before!" He whined.  
"Shawn, if you do do this, you should have a cop hiding in the office with you. We're not going to let you do this alone." Juliet patted Shawn's arm.  
"I'll do it." Lassiter raised his hand, surprising everyone including himself. "I don't like P.I.s, getting in the way of police investigation," he glared at Shawn, "but it's my duty to stop murderers. Even if we promised not to help."  
"Fine, but only because we need you as bait." Juliet smiled uneasily.  
"Great, then it's settled. Tomorrow, Lassie and I will stay at the Psych office all day, and when you get the call, it means the murderer has entered the house and you bring police backup."  
"We should clear this with chief Vick first." Gus stood up.  
"Wait, 'all day'?" Lassiter looked questioningly at Shawn.  
"Well, we don't know when he'll strike, so I'll prepare a movie marathon. Or we can marathon Sherlock! I'll also make pineapple upside down cake. And pinecakes!"  
"Shawn it's not a picnic, you're putting your life at risk!" Lassiter shouted.  
"I'd rather be happy than brooding when I die. Of course I'd like to die execution style, not get stabbed by scissors, but we're not going to necessarily die." Lassiter sighed and put his face in his hands.  
Chief Vick "okayed" the proposition, saying that the murderer was coming for Shawn anyway, and it should at least be useful for something, so the next day at 8:00 p.m., Lassiter and Shawn settled down in the office, which Shawn had turned into a lounge.  
"Ok! So I made pinecakes, and a lot of them. I think I used like five boxes of pancake mix. I also set up Netflix on the TV, so we can watch anything that's on it, or we can watch reruns of Cake Boss -- hey, have you watched Mean Girls?"  
Lassiter was about to retort that Shawn was a pansy who watched chick flicks and was also a total nerd, but he realized that Shawn was actually terrified. Not Mr. Yang/Yin terrified, but definitely freaked out.  
"No, I haven't watched that chick flick."  
"It's not a chick flick!" Shawn grinned. "It may not be something that most grown men watch, but it's not bad." Lassiter stared at him. "Ok, ok, fine. What about... The Usual Suspects?"  
"Sure." Lassiter stood in the centre of the office awkwardly as Shawn set up the movie.  
"Don't be a stranger!" Shawn patted the couch. "Do you want food? We can order out, or I can make some stuff."  
"Pinecakes?"  
"Hell yeah!" Shawn grabbed a box from the counter and plopped it onto the table. Five minutes later, the two guys were shoving their faces with pinecakes, and were covered with "the softest blanket ever," as Shawn declared multiple times.  
"Shawn," Lassiter mumbled through a full mouth. "How co'e you'e so good a' 'oo'ing?"  
"My dad is terrible at cooking, so when I was little if I didn't want fish or takeout, I'd have to cook for myself. Other than that, my dad can make barbecue." Shawn gulped down another pinecake and the conversation was obviously over. For the rest of the movie, they didn't talk except to make snarky comments and once to make hot chocolate.  
"Shawn?"  
"Hey, Gus!" Shawn swatted Lassiter's hand as he tried to make the TV quieter.  
"What're you and Lassie doing?"  
"We're, um," Shawn looked over at Lassiter who, although the man nearly never smiled, was beaming. "I actually don't know, Gus, I'm having a good time with Lassie."  
"What do you mean?"  
"Like, we're watching a movie, eating food, we're having an actual good time. I don't know what's going on."  
"Yeah, well sort out your feelings, I'm just calling in to check up."  
"Feelings?" Shawn spluttered. "Feelings?"  
"Yes, feelings!" Gus huffed and hung up.  
"Feelings," Shawn muttered again."  
"What was that, Shawn?"  
"Nothing. Gus was just calling us to check up. Anyway, what movie do you want to watch? Oh, I know, my office, my rules. Let's watch the Ring."  
"The horror movie?"  
"Duh. Let me warn you that I've watched the Ring before, and I didn't scream even once."  
"I've never watched horror movies." Lassiter shrugged.  
"Well get ready to have your socks knocked off." Shawn put the movie in and pulled the blanket and his knees up to his chin. "This isn't my favorite movie, but it's so good." Minutes later, Shawn screamed and grabbed Lassiter's arm. "Oh my GOD!" And hyperventilated.  
"You've never actually watched this movie, have you?"  
"Of course I have -- OH MY GOD!" Shawn squealed (later he would claim that he was not, in fact, squealing, but had accidentally caught his nail on the couch, and his burying his face into Lassiter's shoulder was an accident). "Ok, maybe I haven't, but you gotta admit, it's pretty freaky."  
Lassiter shrugged. "Naw." Shawn rolled his eyes and settled back into the couch. Halfway through the movie, Shawn found himself with his head on Lassiter's shoulder, and gripping his arms in terror. The thing that horrified him most was that he didn't mind. And he could tell that Lassiter didn't mind that much either.  
"Hey, I'm gonna get some popcorn!" Shawn extracted himself.  
"Hmm? What? Yeah! Grab me some." Lassiter was having the same horrified epiphany. Shawn was hanging on his arm. Shawn Spencer. The nerdy, dipshit that messed up nearly every single one of his cases. And he didn't have the overwhelming urge to pull out his gun and shoot him. In fact, he almost liked the feeling.  
"Gus!" Shawn hissed into his cellphone.  
"Shawn! Are you ok? Has the killer entered the house yet? Are you in danger?"  
"No! Not yet, at least. I have a question to ask."  
"Maybe you should be serious. There is a murderer. Who wants to murder you."  
"I have a more important question."  
"Fine."  
"Let's say I've loved pineapples all my life."  
"You have, Shawn, where is this going?"  
"Shut up let me finish. So, pineapples. Then, one day, I see the largest, reddest, perfect, most succulent apple in existence. Like, I see this apple and I can see myself never eating a pineapple again if I can eat this one, amazing, apple."  
"What are you talking about, Shawn?"  
"Just answer the question."  
"Is this a metaphor for something?"  
"Sort of, it's --" Shawn stopped talking and looked out the window. He heard a screech, and saw a green sedan pull up to the parking lot, and a surprising figure walked out. George Harrison. Suddenly everything was clear to Shawn. George Harrison, the ex-policeman. Policemen that normally hate P.I.s that intrude into police men's cases. Just like him. He meant to kill only Lawrence and Jenny, Debrah being there assistant was only a bonus, especially since he was her barber. He had the scissors "robbed" from him, so that he could use them as weapons discreetly.  
"Shit, shit, shit," Shawn murmured.  
"Lassie! We have a problem." Shawn began ringing his hands.  
"What?" Lassiter grunted.  
"I'm having a vision." Shawn closed his eyes and related everything he had deduced. Suddenly, the door to the office opened.  
"It's Harrison!" Shawn hissed. "Let's hide in the closet!" Before he could finish, Lassiter took out and cocked the gun. However, he was not the only one with a gun. Without warning, Harrison was standing in front of them, gun pointed.  
"Which one of you is Shawn Spencer, and which is Bartan Gaster?"  
Shawn was about to open his mouth, but "I'm Shawn Spencer. This is my partner, Bartan Gaster."  
"Lassie!" Shawn hissed. "Don't be stupid!"  
"I'm the one with the gun," Lassiter whispered back.  
"Quiet!" Harrison shouted and wiggled his gun. He took a step forward. "Now, Bartan, if you could please leave, you won't have to get hurt. My beef's wit' Spencer over here."  
"Hey, let's calm down here." Lassiter took a step forward and Harrison shouted. His second arm went up to stabilize his shaking hand, and in a split second, just as the hand went up, and he jumped in front of Lassiter.  
"Hrnng!" Shawn made a grunting, shouting, jumbled noise and grabbed the gun that was pressed again his chest. "Fucking DAMN IT!" Shawn shouted and wrenched the gun away from Harrison, throwing it a few meters away. "By the way, I'm Shawn Spencer, this is Head Detective Carlton Lassiter, and he's gonna call the police."  
"Shawn!" Lassiter's face twisted into a face of disgust as he looked at Harrison. "I swear. I will hurt you. I... I can't DESCRIBE the level of..." He looked at Shawn who had sunk to the floor, and without further consideration bludgeoned Harrison in the head with his gun.  
"Lassie, call the police. The ones that aren't you. And maybe an ambulance -- ow!" Lassiter pressed the blanket from the couch to the gun wound.  
"You idiot!" Lassiter shouted and grabbed the phone. "O'hara! Gus! Call an ambulance! The murderer is George Harrison, and he's shot Shawn!"  
"Lassie," Shawn slurred. "I'll be okay, it didn't hit my heart or any vital organs. I think I'm going into shock though, so help keep me awake till the ambulance comes."  
"You idiot," Lassiter murmured again. They heard the doo-wee of the ambulance outside, and Lassiter quickly pecked Shawn's cheek before he lost the courage.  
"That was fast. Oh, if I die or forget to tell you:" Shawn reached up and touched Lassiter's face. "You look like an apple."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've never actually tried pinecakes, so if they're actually any good tell me if you make them


	4. Shawn is Pretty Drugged Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Startling revelations while Shawn is on drugs. They're not really startling though, considering that the main point of this fanfiction is to get Shawn and Lassiter to smooch.

"How's he doing?" Lassiter demanded as he entered the hospital holding a pineapple.  
"The doctors say he definitely won't die. He's on a lot of morphine right now, though, so he's really..." Gus looped his finger next to his head. "Also, didn't you bring a pineapple last time you visited?" The three (Juliet, Gus, and Lassiter) had been taking turns staying with Shawn, ensuring that they all got sleep and didn't overwhelm him, like the nurses said they would (even though he slept most of the time). This was actually Lassiter's first shift; the first time they had all visited the hospital together, and barely slept as they watched over Shawn. Although Lassiter hadn't slept all night anyway, not for the past 48 hours.  
"Yes, but." Lassiter looked uncomfortably at the floor. "I thought a fresher one would be better. Jules says 'hi' by the way."  
"Oh! Also, Shawn just woke up. I've been talking to him for a bit, but he's pretty drugged up."  
"Shawn!" Lassiter swept past Gus.  
"Lassie!" Shawn murmured blearily. "The greatest head detective of the SBPD." He giggled. "You brought me a... A pineapple? How shweet." Shawn snorted and laughed as Lassiter placed it on the desk near to him. "You know, it's ironic that you brought it."  
"The pineapple?"  
"Yeah, cause you're my little apple." Shawn reached out and squeezed Lassiter's cheeks.  
"Shawn, you're on a lot of drugs--"  
"Tha' doesn't matter!" Shawn grabbed Lassiter's shirt, and, looking around suspiciously, pulled him down. "So, I've got a secret, ok? You jus' gotta promise not to tell Lassie."  
"I am Lassiter--"  
"Shush! This is no time for jokes."  
"But I am Lassiter?" He scrunched his face and gently tried to pull Shawn's hands away from his shirt, but the man held on tighter.  
"Right." He giggled again. "Then I'll just have to tell you." He leaned in really close and said in a sing-song voice, "I've got a crush on you, sweetie pie! All the day and nighttime, hear me cry--"  
"Woah, woah, what?"  
"Ella Fitzgerald, the song. You know?" Shawn blinked blearily.  
"Are you ok?" Lassiter tried to withdraw but Shawn grabbed his arm.  
"Don', don' tell..." Shawn yawned and fell asleep.  
Lassiter walked out of the room. "Nurse, I think his morphine dose might be a little high." Lassiter thumbed at Shawn's room.  
"Honey, I think I know how high his morphine dose needs to be."  
"He's singing Ella Fitzgerald and thought I was a black dude."  
The nurse pursed her lips, but went into the room anyway. Apparently, singing Ella Fitzegarld was grounds for being drugged up.  
"So, you his relative?" She asked as she lowered the morphine levels, that were, in fact, higher than normal.  
"What? No. Definitely not."  
"Boyfriend?" She judged his startled expression. "Don't worry, I voted for gay rights. Oh! Are you his husband?"  
"No. It's not that, I'm just his coworker. And his friend."  
She looked him up and down. "Mhm. Sure. Anyway, he'll probably be waking up again soon, but please, don't let him have any heavy exertion. No hanky panky." She pursed her lips again.  
"I'm not his..." Lassiter frowned as the nurse left.  
"Lassie," Shawn slurred. "The last thing I remember I remember is calling you an apple after I was shot." He furrowed his brow. "And you... Kissing me? The hell happened?"  
Lassiter laughed over-exaggeratedly. "Whaaat? You must've been really out of it. I'm actually only here because Jules and Gus needed to sleep. You know, from watching over you. You've been pretty out of it for 48 hours. They got you a pineapple. Two pineapples."  
Shawn blinked. "Can you cut the pineapple? No gun shot wound will stop me from ingesting that sweet, sweet ambrosia of the gods. Shawn tried to make grabby hands at the fruit, but winced and gave a strangled scream. "Let me guess, the bullet..." He felt his chest, specifically the top of his right chest where the cast began. "The... bullet hit my shoulder bone and there's a fracture in my arm bone or whatever?"  
Lassiter raised his eyebrows. "Good one. So, don't move your right arm." Lassiter smiled without passion, and took his pocket knife out to cut the pineapple.  
"You look tired," Shawn stated bluntly. "When was the last time you slept?"  
"A few hours ago."  
"Lying!" Shawn sung. "You haven't slept for at least 30 hours."  
"48," Lassiter muttered.  
"What was that?"  
"48 hours. I haven't slept since you got shot."  
"Aw, Lassie! Do you feel guilty? Don't feel guilty, it wasn't your fault." Shawn reached out to take a pineapple ring with his left hand.  
"I was supposed to protect you!" Lassiter shouted.  
"No exertion!" The nurse hissed from outside.  
"Damn it, Shawn." Lassiter whispered. "More pineapple?"  
"Hell yeah." Shawn chewed on the pineapple thoughtfully. "So, seriously, why are you here?"  
"Jules and Gus had to take a break. I told you."  
"You were here before." Shawn took another pineapple ring.  
"How do you know?"  
"I'm psychic. Also you're the only one that drinks coffee that isn't from Starbucks, and there's a cold cup right over there. My senses also tell me that you really need to sleep because it's unhealthy to not sleep for 48 hours and to be guilty about someone else shooting me."  
"Well, my common sense is telling me that if you don't shut your bitch-ass mouth, I'm gonna put you in another coma!"  
The two sat in silence for another minute, chewing on the fruit. "Lassie, I know you kissed me."  
"So?" Lassiter grunted. "I was kissing your forehead, no big deal. I thought you were about to die."  
"So you do care?" Shawn smirked.  
"Nope."  
"C'mon, just say it once. 'I love you man.'"  
"How about no?"  
"How about... Yes?"  
"I'm not going to say it, nor admit any feelings of tenderness or care for you. I am only here to relieve Gus and Jules of their duty."  
"C'mon, say it, say it!"  
"You're still pretty drugged up, aren't you?"  
"Say it, say it...."  
"I'm calling Jules and Gus, telling them that you're awake."  
"Say it, say it!" Shawn repeated the mantra, until Lassiter slammed the phone shut.  
"Shut up, or so help me god, I will discharge my firearm."  
"Oh yeah? Make me!" Shawn sat up.  
"Maybe I will!" Lassiter bent down until he was nose to nose with Shawn, and then for some ridiculous and uncalled for reason, he kissed him. This stupid reason was that Shawn smelled like pinecakes.  
They broke apart quickly (because Shawn panicked and jerked back, albeit after a few seconds), and then there was silence.  
"You're such an idiot Lassie I cannot believe you! What if Gus and Jules came in right at that moment? Hmm? What then?" Shawn shook his head and pursed his lips.  
"Sir, I'm gonna hafta ask you to leave if you physically exert him anymore." The nurse came in with her hands on her hips.  
"Sorry, this was sort of a new development." Lassiter gestured at Shawn frantically. "Can you, um, please leave?" The nurse huffed but left the room.  
"So, um, I guess we're dating now? Or what?" Shawn furrowed his brow and Lassiter shrugged.  
"One thing's for sure, we need to act like we hate each other."  
"Obviously." Shawn winked and waggled his eyebrows. "Look, there they come!"  
Lassiter widened his eyes and hissed, "We need to talk more about this later it's sort of a big -- hello, O'hara, Guster." He stepped away from Shawn's bed quickly.  
"Jules! Gus! Lassie's just been... Taking care of me while you were gone. Thanks for the pineapples!"  
"Oh, that wasn't us that was Lassie." Gus leaped over to Shawn's cot and patted his shoulder. "I'm just glad you're okay."  
"Yeah! Carlton was so distraught; he blamed the whole thing on himself. He wouldn't talk until we finally convinced him he needed to go to bed, and then he just said no! He wouldn't even call us after he 'escorted' you in the ambulance."  
"Aww, you went into the ambulance with me?" Shawn reached out to pat Lassiter's hand. "How sweet!"  
"I only went because if you died I would be blamed by the police department." Lassiter huffed. "I might've lost my job, Spencer."  
"We're just glad you're okay." Gus patted his uninjured shoulder and glanced at his watch. "Damn! I'm gonna be late for my meeting!" They all looked at him.  
"You still work there?" They asked simultaneously. Gus tsked and rushed out.  
"Well, I gotta go too! Lassiter may have a year of unused vacations, but I don't! So glad you're better!" Juliet kissed Shawn's forehead and Lassiter clenched his fists.  
"Bye Jules! Don't let the Chief Vicks bite!" Shawn grinned stupidly at Lassiter, who sat down to talk about this weird new development.  
"Gus!" Juliet ran out of the hospital. "Did you see that?"  
Gus snorted. "What? The sexual tension or the romantic?" The two looked at each other. "You thinking what I'm thinking?" Gus asked.  
Juliet grinned manically. "Definitely."  
"They're obviously in denial about being in love."  
"I'm starved let's get lunch."  
Jules stared at Gus with an open mouth. "Also what you said!" Gus added. "But seriously. Chipotle?"  
Juliet shook her head, but they both headed to Chipotle to further their plan.  
Back at the hospital, Lassiter had nearly collapsed. "Wow, I didn't know I was that good at kissing."  
"Shawn, I want you to know that we can't tell anyone about this. Although Officer Donoban would owe me 2 grand."  
"No, I get it. Queers are discriminated against."  
Lassiter's face softened. "Thank you. And I want you to know that..." He took a deep breath and his face colored scarlet. "That I really, really like you. You piss me off to no end, you mess up all my investigations, and I don't believe you're a psychic, but I really could never lose you." Shawn grinned and his heart monitor sped up.  
"Carlton Lassiter. For the first time since I lost my virginity, I'm speechless."  
"Visitor hours are over!" The nurse banged on the door.  
"Lady," Lassiter slammed his hands on the metal chair and sprang up. "I am carrying a weapon, and I will discharge it. Multiple times."  
"He's kidding," Shawn mouthed.  
"Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. Visitor hours are over." Lassiter growled, but allowed himself to be escorted out of the room.  
"Do I get conjugal visits?" Shawn called out.  
"Mr. Spencer. Go to sleep." The nurse sighed, and wondered why, out of all patients, she got this one.


	5. Sheds Are Great for Make-Outs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gus and Juliet try to set up Shawn and Lassiter because they aren't oblivious and can see the sexual tension. However, Shawn and Lassiter have already made plans, because god dammit how hard is it for them to get some alone time?

"So," Gus took a bite of his burrito. "I actually do have to go to a meeting in fifteen minutes, so I'm gonna be fast. We set up a dinner date with Shawn and Lassie, saying it's a 'glad you didn't die' party, and then we cancel at the last second so that they end up eating a romantic dinner together."  
Juliet nodded hesitantly. "Yeah. Yeah! Alright. We'll set the date for next Saturday, since Shawn is getting released tomorrow evening, and he'll be drugged up, and Saturday night is date night. Also Lassiter never makes plans Saturday night unless it's with a woman or someone asks him out."  
Gus and Juliet fist bumped, and made a reservation at the fanciest restaurant in town.  
The next day, Gus and Juliet went to the hospital to help drive Shawn home. Lassiter was already there, mumbling some excuse about how he "was in the neighborhood."  
Shawn, with some difficulty, stood up. "They said I could go home, but someone needs to stay with me, and I can't move too much, and... stuff." He swayed. "They gave me... a lot of pain killers." He giggled and fell on Gus.  
"Why don't you stay with me for a couple days?" Gus patted the barely stable Shawn's back.  
"Yeah, it'll be fun." Shawn nodded vigorously. "I'll make pinecakes."  
"C'mon son!" Gus grinned.  
"C'mon son," Shawn blearily replied.  
"He's also got these pain meds." Lassiter wrapped Gus's hands around the small bottle. "The doctor told me to give it to whoever was raking him home." He was actually hoping that that person would be him, but he couldn't say anything.  
"C'mon Gus!" Shawn tugged at his sleeve. "I want mac 'n' cheese!"  
"Shawn you sure you gonna be okay?" Jules propped him up.  
"Yeah, yeah!" Shawn waved his hand.  
"He'll be fine, don't be such a baby." Lassiter lightly punched his uninjured shoulder.  
"That's my Lassie!" Shawn giggled.  
"How many pills did you take?" Gus asked.  
Shawn furrowed his brow and counted his fingers. "I dunno. I had two, but it still hurt, so I took some more. By the fourth one the dancing lights came."  
"Guster, take him home." Lassiter sighed. "I've got better things to do. O'hara." He nodded at his partner and swept out of the room.  
By Monday, Shawn deemed himself fit for duty, albeit his right arm was still in a sling, and he started the day off with a pill. Lassiter, obviously, protested vivaciously, but Shawn went to work. They even got a confession from Harrison, who said that the P.I.s had made him lose his job, and at first it was stabbing but he was going to change his methods to throw off the police.  
Lassiter and Shawn's relationship accelerated as well, although they didn't have much alone time. They couldn't show signs of affection in the police department, Gus would randomly show up at Shawn's apartment (causing Lassiter to crawl down the fire escape multiple times), Lassiter's house's windows were permanently glued open for a while (a long story that involved firearms, super glue, and a squirrel), and, of course, they couldn't go to restaurants or diners for fear of being seen. Shawn's fractured arm and shoulder also restricted them from going any farther than the kisses that they managed to steal once in a while.  
On Wednesday evening, Juliet approached Lassiter. "So," Jules began. "Gus and I wanted to throw a 'we're glad you're not dead' party for Shawn at Jackson's Saturday night."  
Lassiter pursed his lips. Jackson's was his favorite restaurant but... "I can't."  
"Why?' Juliet exclaimed.  
"I have plans. It's none of your business."  
"A date?"  
Lassiter sighed. "Yes, a date."  
"With a girl?"  
"Yes! A girl! Now go away, I've got work."  
At the Psych office, the same thing was happening: "I'm trailing a cheating boyfriend for one, uh, Maria Goldberg." Shawn shrugged.  
"Really? With that?" Gus gestured at the sling.  
Shawn snorted. "No arm fracture'll keep me away from helping soon-to-be-single girls."  
Gus shook his head and called Juliet, discreetly and from the Blueberry.  
"Well, I guess that thwarted our plans." Juliet sighed. "But, hey, there's a festival/carnival thing this Saturday. Wanna go? Instead of setting up Shassie, of course."  
Gus shrugged. "Sure, why not."  
So, that Saturday, all four went their separate ways. Sort of. Gus and Juliet went to the carnival, and Juliet immediately dragged Gus to a roller coaster. He was screaming every second away, and was only placated by the promise of cotton candy, made at the peak of a drop. By the end, Gus almost threw up.  
"Okay, no more roller coasters." Juliet patted his back as he hyperventilated. "Let's get some cotton candy."  
"Mhm." Gus groaned, and allowed himself to be lead to the stand. Halfway there, though, they saw a very familiar person.  
"Lassiter?" Gus and Juliet exclaimed.  
"Guster! O'hara!" Lassiter laughed nervously. He was carrying two cotton candies, and was heading toward the roller coaster section of the carnival. "I was just..." He looked at the cotton candies. "These are both for me," he said with a straight face.  
Gus and Juliet looked at each other. "Where's your date?" Juliet asked.  
"She, she, um...." Lassiter gaped. "She didn't show up."  
"Aww, Carlton!" Juliet let go of Gus momentarily and hugged Lassiter.  
"Yeah, it was a blind date, so no biggie." Lassiter shrugged uncomfortably and took a bite of the candy as Juliet withdrew. "Well, I'm gonna, um..." He jerked his thumb toward the way he came. "Yeah."  
"No! Lassie, come with us!" Gus elbowed Juliet just as she finished and they turned around to whisper.  
"Uh! No."  
"C'mon," Juliet shrugged. "His date just showed him up! We need to cheer him up."  
"Oh man!" Lassiter smacked his forehead. "You know, I forgot my, um, something by the coaster. I'll be right back." He bit his lip and nodded. "I'll be right back. Yeah." Lassiter ran toward the coaster section.  
"What took you so long?" Shawn got on his tiptoes and pecked Lassiter's lips.  
He shoved the psychic away quickly. "We can't," he hissed. "Gus and Juliet are here!"  
"What?" Shawn exclaimed.  
"They came here, and I told them my blind date showed me up!" Lassiter looked behind him and saw Gus and Juliet approaching. He looked back at Shawn. "I'm really sorry."  
"Wha-" Shawn was cut off by Lassiter shoving him into a shed.  
"Hey guys!" Lassiter leaned against the doors. "You know, I couldn't find my stuff." He shook his head. "But whatever, right? I'll, uh, find it in the lost and found later."  
"Are you okay?" Gus asked after Juliet glared at him. They had settled, well, Juliet had settled, that Lassiter was going to go with them no matter what.  
"Yeah, I'm fine. You know what?" Lassiter pushed back on the doors that were shaking slightly. "I think I'm gonna..." Lassiter forced himself to tear up a little. "I think I need some alone time." He opened the doors slightly and jumped inside before they could see Shawn inside. It was dark, and Lassiter could just see his silhouette. He turned around and locked the doors of the shed.  
"Here's your cotton candy," he whispered.  
"Why are we whispering?" Shawn took the cotton candy.  
"Because Gus and Juliet are right outside. They think I'm crying because a blind date showed me up."  
"You baby." Shawn sniggered. "So what? Are we gonna Princess Diaries it up in here?"  
"How do you know about the kissing scene from the Princess Diaries? Have you watched it?"  
There was a pause. "No." There was another pause. "How do you know about it?"  
There was a longer pause. "Anne Hathaway?"  
"Anne Hathaway." And with that Lassiter reached forward and wrapped his arm around Shawn. At least he tried to.  
"Woah, woah, woah." Shawn held up his hand. "First, I'm gonna fucking eat my cotton candy. Then we make the fuck out." Lassiter smiled, although he knew that Shawn couldn't see him.  
"Carlton, are you ok? Is there someone in there with you?"  
"Uh, yeah! I'm fine, I'll be right out." Lassiter glanced at Shawn. "We need to hurry this up before they get suspicious.  
"Don't worry Lassie, I got this." Shawn winked, and handed the cotton candy back, along with a kiss. Before Lassiter could stop him, he flung open the doors to the shed.  
"Shawn?" Gus and Juliet shouted.  
"This probably looks really weird," Shawn began, elbowing Lassiter back into the shed, "but I had a psychic premonition that a police officer was going to be in this shed. I thought it was going to be the person that I was trailing. Mary Goldstein is cheating on her boyfriend with a police officer. I was wrong, however." He gestured at the befuddled Lassiter, who knew enough to nod vigorously.  
"Wasn't her name Maria Goldberg?" Gus inquired.  
Shawn blinked. "Oh, yeah! How silly of me!" He laughed. "'Mary Goldstein,' pfft! Anyway, I should go back to the trail. Dicks aren't going to turn themselves in, amiright? You know, Lassiter, you could be super helpful! Do you still have those super high tech binoculars? I lost mine while riding in the Tunnel of Love by myself."  
Lassiter was about to hand them over, but realized where Shawn was going. "Yeah, but there's no way in hell I'm just letting you take them."  
Shawn stomped his foot in mock anger. "Then come with me! I need to catch a cheating boyfriend!"  
"Fine. I don't even like carnivals."  
"First, we have to find my binoculars."  
Gus and Juliet, who had been observing this back and forth with piqued curiosity, broke in. "We could help look." Juliet pointed to Gus and herself.  
"Yeah, sure! I paid for them anyway." Gus glared.  
"Great! We need to get into the Tunnel of Love, then. C'mon!" Shawn raced off, with Lassiter close behind.  
"New plan." Juliet took off in a run and Gus panted, barely keeping up. "We force Lassiter and Shawn to go on together, they'll obviously protest to keep up appearances. Then, we stop the ride. We cause an 'accident.'"  
"I, huff, like it, huff." Gus grinned and collapsed as soon as they got to the gaping mouth of the ride.  
"So, good scheme." Lassiter elbowed Shawn as Juliet kicked Gus in the background.  
"Yeah, I actually did lose my binoculars." Shawn nodded.  
"What?" Lassiter exclaimed. "Why the hell were you in the tunnel of love? Wow that sounds really stupid." He pinched his forehead.  
"I was checking to make sure there were no weapons or wires or anything for you." Shawn looked around to make sure Juliet was still struggling to resuscitate Gus from his fetal position.  
"That's actually sort of sweet!" Lassiter grinned. "Wait. I never used that word." He punched Shawn lightly.  
"Okay, okay." Juliet dragged Gus over.  
"Someone needs to call 911." Gus gasped.  
"You had a cramp Gus."  
"I'm dying!" Gus shouted.  
"Oh suck it up." Juliet snorted. "Anyway, you'll have to go together so that I can keep Gus from 'dying.'"  
"Woah, woah, woah." Lassiter laughed. "I can't, no. I can't."  
"Yeah, I can support Gus." Shawn reached out and Gus drew back.  
"Uh-uh, no way. You once tried to pour salt on my paper cut."  
Shawn shrugged. "Okay, Lassie, we're going undercover as Mr. and Mr.--"  
"No." Lassiter cut him off. "I don't even know why I'm doing this--"  
"Sirs, you're holding up the line." A bored teenager waved them forward, and Lassiter had no choice but to get into a rickety cart with Shawn. He didn't mind, but he pretended to look reluctant. The moment they deemed themselves hidden, though, the "making the fuck out" began.  
"So, how does this thing work?" Juliet asked the worker.  
"It's just a 5 minute slow ride. Look, most people just fuck in there, and we clean up every time. Ok? It's like a tunnel with hearts and cupids or something."  
Jules and Gus looked at each other quickly. "I've got an idea," Jules murmured. "You need to stop the ride."  
"No can do."  
"I'm with the SBPD." She pulled out her badge. "We think there might be someone trying to sabotage the ride, there might be a bomb. But please, don't say anything just stop the ride. We don't want to cause panic. We'll go in and investigate."  
The worker, terrified, stopped the ride. "It's just one at a time, so the only people in there are lanky and weirdo."  
Juliet and Gus went into the tunnel, but stopped after a while. "So, do we just wait here?"  
"Sure." Juliet and Gus sat down and began to do stuff that I won't get into because the Shawn and Lassiter making out is more important. They had realized that the ride had stopped, somewhere in the back of their minds, but hadn't stopped.  
"Is there second base for dudes?" Shawn pulled away.  
"I don't think so," Lassiter breathed and moved forward again. He grabbed Shawn's arm and there was a series of movements that seemed physically impossible to Shawn, who screamed.  
"Fucking shit!" Shawn pulled back and grabbed his right arm. Lassiter had accidentally grabbed the fractured arm, and pulled it.  
"Fuck!" Lassiter jumped out of the cart. "Are you okay?"  
"You fucking grabbed my fractured arm! Of course I'm fine!" Shawn gritted his teeth. "I think I need some pain meds. Or possibly go back to the hospital -- ow." He breathed in sharply.  
"C'mon!" Lassiter pulled him out of the cart, but Shawn sat down, pulling Lassiter down with him. "Hey, you can get up, right?" Lassiter knelt down and kissed Shawn.  
"Is everything alright?" Gus and Juliet ran over.  
"Oh shit -- we're, um -- this is -- I don't --" Shawn turned toward his friends. Lassiter was still bent over him. He hadn't had enough time to move back more than a few centimeters, and it was obvious what had just happened.  
"This isn't what it looks like," Shawn and Lassiter exclaimed simultaneously, and Gus and Juliet sniggered.  
"When the machine stopped, this idiot decided to get out and check what was wrong, and he hurt his arm. Again. Then I went out to make sure that he was ok, and he started wailing like a baby, and made me trip!" Lassiter jumped up and wiped his hands on his suit.  
Gus and Juliet repressed a laugh. "Sure, good story," Gus snorted.  
"Let's stick with it." Juliet nodded quickly.  
"I'm okay, I'm okay!" Shawn waved his arm. "Help an invalid, wouldya?" Lassiter sighed and pulled him up.  
"This is awkward, but Lassiter is telling the truth."  
"Yeah, yeah sure."  
"Shawn." Gus put his hand on Shawn's shoulder. "If you're gay--"  
"No. No, no, no. We're not gay."  
"Right."  
"We're not gay!" That was Lassiter shouting.  
Shawn muttered something.  
"What was that?" Juliet cupped her ear.  
"We're ....."  
"What?"  
"We're bisexual, goddammit!" Shawn sighed exasperatedly and Lassiter spluttered.  
"He's kidding," Lassiter chuckled nervously.  
"Lassie, I really don't want to have to make you climb down the fire escape. Again."  
"He's... He's joking..." Lassiter's grin was wiped off his face, just as Gus's and Juliet's grew.  
"No, seriously, Gus. I couldn't put a sock on the door, and I couldn't tell you about the fucking date. And you came into my apartment like every single time he was over, okay?" Gus sniggered.  
"Okay, fine. Shawn and I might be..." He waved his arms between himself and Shawn. "Dating?" Shawn nodded subtly. "Yes, dating, but Juliet please don't tell the Chief."  
Juliet snorted. "First off, everyone knows you're queer, I mean, c'mon." She pursed her lips and pointed at him. "And Shawn. We have a betting pool going on. I just won."  
"Guys, um, I really need my pain meds." Shawn winced.  
"Juliet and I need to go tell the guy that there isn't a bomb here." Gus fist bumped Juliet.  
"Oh yeah."


	6. Coming Out is Hard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The sex happens although I didn't describe it happening. Use your imagination. Then, Shawn realizes that he needs to actually tell his dad.

"Well, that was probably the weirdest coming out of the closet. Ever." Shawn winced and rotated his arm. "Well at least no one will be coming into my apartment again ever without asking me."  
Lassiter smiled. "You're a dick."  
"Yo, I needed pain meds and you had obviously just been wooed by me. What was I supposed to do? Anyway I get this stupid shit off my arm Monday, so expect the whole rose petals on the bed, dick in a box routine." Shawn paused and let out a small laugh. He scratched his head uncomfortably.  
"What is it?"  
"I've actually never, uh." Shawn waved his arms. "Never, uh, with a dude." Lassiter started laughing. "Don't you laugh! Have you ever..." Shawn sighed. "Have you ever canoodled with a guy?"  
Lassiter snickered. "Canoodled?"  
"I can't say the word ok!" Shawn blushed.  
"Well, I have. Not in a while, but yeah." Lassiter thought back to the SBPD picnic. That was a crazy picnic, especially after Woody spiked the punch. And the sandwiches.  
"Great, you can teach me-- that was the corniest thing I've ever said. I'm gonna go to the bathroom."  
"Does that mean I get to top?" Shawn froze for a second, and then ran full sprint to the bathroom.  
That Monday, after Shawn got his sling off, he spent the entire day avoiding him. He knew he had promised his... Boyfriend? Boyfriend, The whole rose petal routine, but he couldn't go through with it. At the moment he was hiding out in a cafe, drinking his fourth cup of coffee.  
"Shawn?" His dad meandered through the gate of the cafe. "What are you doing here?"  
Shawn searched for an answer. "What... What are you doing here?"  
Henry rolled his eyes and plopped on the chair across from him.  
"You know, I drink coffee too," he drawled. Shawn huffed and pursed his lips. "Relationship trouble?"  
Shawn nearly fell out of his seat. "Yeah, how'd you know? Did Gus tell you? I swear--"  
"No! It's actually 'cause you get this stupid look on your face, sorta like you just ate a lemon. Or like you lost your favorite toy."  
Shawn mentally reminded himself to not do that. "Anyway, yeah, I've got 'relationship problems.' Well, only one really." He sighed loudly. "What do you do when someone wants to move your relationship to the next level, and you want to do that too, but you think it might hurt you?" Shawn winced and hoped his dad took that metaphorically, not literally, which is exactly what Shawn meant.  
Henry shrugged. "Just tell them. If they really love you they'll get it. They'll be disappointed but they'll get it. Is a girl asking you to move in with her?"  
"No dad!"  
"Right, I'd've met her." Henry looked around and leaned in, dropping his voice to a whisper. "Is a girl really into... You know... Kinky stuff?"  
"Dad!" Shawn sprang up. "No dad. Bye. Ugh!" Shawn ran away from the cafe as quickly as he could without breaking the laws of physics. However, he did take out his phone to call Lassiter.  
"Hey, Lassie!"  
"Shawn!" Lassiter whispered into his phone and smiled. Juliet giggled as she saw the dumb look her partner got on his face every time he was talking to Shawn. "What's going on?"  
"We need to talk. It's not serious, just weird. And personal. Can anyone hear me?"  
Lassiter furrowed his brow. "No, why?"  
"Well, uh. I can't do it. Not tonight. Nope. The stars aren't in position."  
"Are quoting El Dorado to tell me that you can't--" Lassiter looked around the department.   
"Yes. Yes I am."  
"You're freaked out, aren't you."  
"Am not."   
"Yes you are. Yah baby."  
"Babies don't quote El Dorado."  
Lassiter snorted. "They do now, apparently."  
Shawn searched for a comeback, but was only able to mutter, "You're a baby."  
"Fine, we don't have to, but you're missing out."   
Shawn bit his lip. He was just passing by a drugstore, and he slowed down. Keeping with El Dorado, there was, on one hand, painful, painful pain. On the other, there was sweet, sweet bliss. "Okay." He huffed into the phone. "But I am getting so much K-Y that we can coat a slip-n-slide with it." Lassiter smirked.  
"Detective!" Chief Vick called from the door of her office.  
"Gotta go." Lassiter hurriedly closed his phone.   
"Who was that?" She walked over to the desk.  
"My... Significant other, ma'am." Lassiter sprang up, cheeks burning.   
"Your girlfriend?"  
"Yes," Lassiter mumbled.   
"Get back to work. Call her after work." Chief Vick walked away. "Of all people," she muttered. Juliet, meanwhile, was barely keeping in a barrage of laughter.   
"You." Lassiter pointed at her. "Shut the hell up!" She giggled some more.

***

"Wow." Shawn whispered. He and Lassiter were lying sprawled across the first's bed. "That was a lot less painful than I expected." He sat up. "I get to top next time though."  
"No you don't." Lassiter grinned.   
Shawn fell back. "Fine. Whoever solves the next case gets to top."  
Lassiter thought for a moment. "Are we allowed outside help?"  
"Only Gus and Jules. And whatever resources we normally use." Shawn thought about his dad. Oh God. His dad. His ultra-conservative dad. "How am I gonna tell my dad?" Shawn groaned and shoved his face into a pillow.   
"Really, Shawn?" Lassiter snorted. "Let's not talk about your dad. We just had sex."  
"No, but, my dad. Your mom is a lesbian! One day my dad prohibited me from going to school because we had to go through the gay pride parade."   
"Just don't tell him." Lassiter shrugged.   
Shawn snorted through the pillow. "Yeah, like that's gonna work. Gus is a terrible liar, I might accidentally spill the beans, he might see us in public. There are so many things that could go wrong."  
"Hey. It's going to be okay. Now, goodnight." Lassiter kissed Shawn, and fell asleep nearly instantly, leaving Shawn to ponder his problems.   
The next morning, Shawn made pinecakes, and he and Lassiter drove to their separate work places. For the first time, Shawn was actually in the Psych office before Gus, and was able to surprise him.   
"What the hell?" Gus nearly dropped his things when he saw Shawn throwing a ball at the wall, casually waiting for him to come in.   
"Yup. Hey, Gus, is there a separate v-card for the same gender?" He threw the ball again.  
"Yeah, probably, why?" Gus plopped down on his chair, wondering why Shawn wasn't sitting down yet.   
"Well, I just lost it." Shawn cackled maniacally as he saw the look of disgust spread across Gus's face.   
"No. Stop it Shawn. I swear--"  
"Yeah, you wanna hear the details?"  
"No! Shawn!" Gus threateningly pulled out the water gun he kept in his desk.  
"So, basically what happened is that I was gonna do it, but then I chickened out, and in the end it was--" a splash of water hit his face.   
"Shawn. Remember the 'no details' rule?" Gus raised his eyebrows.  
"Fine. But I do need your help. Telling my dad."   
"Why do you need me for that?" Gus put away the gun.   
"Human shield."  
"Buy me Bojangles?"  
"If you stand between me and my father as I say that I'm bi as fuck, I will buy you the entire restaurant." Shawn threw the Blueberry's keys at Gus and ran out the door.   
"Have you planned what you're going to say?" Gus got in the car.  
"No." Shawn bounced nervously. "Well, something along the lines of 'please don't hurt me.' Oh yeah and then running."  
Gus frowned. "I'm sure your dad will be okay with it. I mean, you and Lassiter are pretty obvious."   
Shawn snorted. "What? No way. We're as inconspicuous as we can be."  
Gus laughed. "Mcnab, the Chief, Dobson, and at least five other officers have a betting pool on when you guys are gonna go public."  
"Shit," Shawn muttered. "You wouldn't happen to know who's betting for what time?"  
"I can't let you favor anyone Shawn. Jules and I are in it too." He looked knowingly at Shawn who huffed and pouted for the next five minutes of the drive.   
"Okay, so, what I want you to do is go in there, say 'Shawn is bisexual, don't hurt him,' then give me the signal so I can peak in, go 'yup' and run away."  
Gus rolled his eyes. "Uh, no Shawn. You should do this face to face."  
"Uh, no Gus, I shouldn't do this face to face. My dad has a gun."   
"Shawn." Gus got out of the car, and dragged Shawn out.   
"No, no, nope!" Shawn tried to scrabble away, but Gus hauled him to the door.   
"Mr. Spencer?" Gus called. "It's us!"  
"Whaddya want?" Henry wrenched open the door. "You know, I have better things to do than give out relationship advice." He looked around. "Shawn, are you introducing me to your new girlfriend?"  
"No." Gus elbowed him and turned him around.  
"While you were pouting, I texted Lassiter, so he's coming here." Gus smiled maliciously and turned around. "Sorry, Mr. Spencer, he's just getting cold feet."  
"Ha, ha, ha, Dad!" Shawn put his arm around the older man and led him inside. "We need to... talk."  
"What. Why?" Henry blinked in confusion.   
"I'm going to be straight with you." Gus laughed in the background. "No pun intended. You might want to sit down." Henry sat down, but immediately sprang up again with a guffaw.   
"Shawn, I can't do this anymore." He put his hand on his son's shoulder. "I, and everyone who has ever met you, knows that you're bi. Everyone, Shawn."  
It was Shawn's turn to sit down. "Oh."  
"So I assume I'm meeting your boyfriend then?"  
"Yeah." Shawn nodded in a daze. "Wait. You don't know who I'm dating?"  
"No. I'm not psychic like you." Henry rolled his eyes.  
"Oh, shit. I don't think you're going to like this." Shawn bit his lip.  
"Hey, boy, watch your tongue." Henry sat down next to Shawn. "We'll just have to wait then." And so began the longest five minutes of Shawn's life, until the fateful knock at the door.  
"I'll get it!" Shawn raced toward the entranced and pulled in a befuddled Lassiter. "Ok, Lassie, be careful. My dad apparently knows that I'm queer, he just doesn't know that it's you--"  
"Hi! I'm Mr. Spencer-- Lassiter?" Henry stopped short when he saw the familiar detective. He stared for a minute, mouth gaping open. "Oh. Okay. I wasn't -- oh." Henry scratched his head and walked back into the living room.   
"Okay, Gus, let's go, give him time to adjust." Shawn dragged Lassiter out the doorway, and they piled into the Blueberry, riding off into the sun, with Henry's shout of "Shawn!" echoing behind them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry I can't write titles.

**Author's Note:**

> Helpful criticisms are appreciated.  
> (There will be a lot, I know, I proofread this once).


End file.
